Esteemed Creator of the Universe:
In accord with resolution 666, passed unanimously last November by the Security Council of the United Association of Metaphysical Democracies, also known as GNU (God is Not the Universe), we are issuing this final notice, demanding a complete removal of all weapons of mass destruction in the cosmos to be carried out immediately and unconditionally. Since November we have received no positive evidence that the dismantling of comets, asteroids, or super-nova has begun at all, and, in addition to this breach, our spy satellites have detected the emergence of five new Black Holes which are in strict noncompliance with the Anti-proliferation of Event Horizon’s treaty.
Likewise, here on earth, scores of thousands of men and women are dying each day from bacilli and cancers, hurricanes, earthquakes, tidal waves, mud slides, snow storms, avalanches, volcanoes etc., all invented by Your perverse and evil nature. Apart from this there are the other more complex weapons of mass destruction You have hurled into our wake: aeroplanes, trains, coaches, ferries and, perhaps the most deadly instrument of all, the common automobile. That these latter “machines” were, as Your own ambassador has argued, created by us and should therefore be eliminated by us, is a cruel lie – for we all know that our own intelligence comes directly from Your Divine Will and nowhere else. Because of this You, and only You, have to answer for all the evil that takes place in this horribly flawed universe.
This is our final ultimatum. Ignore it and You will have to bear the terrible consequences.
And please do not assume that recent sceptical statements from the French: “I think therefore I am” ; the Germans: “God is dead” ; or the Russians: “Everything is permitted”, will save Your skin. We have numerous documents proving Your existence and pointing the blame directly at Yourself. The majority of world powers understand that threats made in the Apocalypse were sincere. You are and always have been mankind’s greatest enemy. Because of that this is our final ultimatum. If, in ten days, You have not eradicated all death and destruction from the universe, we, the only entities in the cosmos with sufficient intelligence to appreciate Your existence, will self-immolate our planet, destroying ourselves, our perception of You, and, in so doing, destroy You as well. You have ten days to decide.
Sincerely Yours,
GNU