The Stars December 2015
(Rachael Nielsen)

Posted on December 19, 2015 by in Stars

FullSizeRender1If there’s a proper time to celebrate romance it’s in the sultry seasons of spring and summer, when sweat once again lubricates our days and even cicadas are preoccupied with getting it on. In the spirit of fertility I have devastating predictions for you all. No one will be left out (unlike when Valentine’s day rolls around).

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19): You don’t need to consult an eight ball to work out that, yes, all your friends were secretly gagging when you announced that you’re buying a house with your boyfriend of six months. Why, you ask? Because a romanticised idea of the 1940’s that inevitably morphs into frying his eggs every morning and enduring a decade of psychological and economic abuse doesn’t constitute their idea of hedonistic life goals.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18): Don’t take the advice of that body language book and start bouncing around trying to procure a man’s ‘protective instincts’ in order to get laid. You’ll only ensnare the barely evolved who like to wear snap backs and have little appreciation for the art of cunnalingus. You’re better off on a cruise that’s the spawning place for the zombie apocalypse.

PISCES (Feb 19 – March 20): I know early exposure to porn and Beauty and the Beast would suggest otherwise, but it’s not a romantic gesture that while your guy is cumming in the ass of his soon to be ex he’s trying to stifle calling out your name. Don’t take it as a sign that he wanted you over her: we can both think up a better name for it.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Don’t fear being an old cat lady: fear being shacked up in Queanbeyan to a resentfully monogamous partner who continues to text her ex about the dildo she once gave her. Do you still use that violet, soft silicone dildo? I hear you ‘vajazzled’ it with rhinestones and silver saint medallions.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Well done, you lost 20 kg and entered the burlesque scene with the intention of ‘expressing yourself artistically’, i.e. reviving every sexist, objectifying aesthetic of its golden era with the hopes of getting the attention of the hot meninists who hate those ‘fat chicks’ on stage with their satirical dance moves about the bullshit of body hair removal.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): There’s no need to feel incomplete because you don’t have a partner. Go on your way and keep that clear quartz in your pocket all the while manifesting your desires to the universe. Besides, you could be on a date night with your sixth boyfriend in a row that likes you to look ‘natural’ — with a waxed labia, plucked eyebrows, dead straight hair and neutral eye shadow because at his core he’s a dull coward with the heart of a bible-belt sexist.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): Stop praying for a dog. Nobody wants you to get a baby-replacement pedigree with your boyfriend who doesn’t think misogyny exists because he hasn’t experienced it.

LEO (July 23 – Aug 22): It’s about time your housemates knew more about you. I suggest you do come out to them as a Wiccan but don’t tell them about the period blood they ate in those cupcakes you baked. And don’t leave cupcakes on the bench anymore.

VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sept 22): I wouldn’t take it as proof of his bountiful masculinity that he barely moves his slack, open jaw to slur the words ‘I donno’ when you ask him how an outfit looks. Do not date this kind of character: you’ll be single again in no time as these sorts always blow themselves up with all that repressed emotion and flinging of beer bottles onto the road. But do use his early death as a chance to wear your new Gothic Lolita black lace bonnet and gloves. He didn’t love you anyway; those sorts only appreciate dress shirts and beer.

LIBRA (Sept 23 – Oct 22): Though I admire you for standing up to him when he told you to shave your pussy because that’s what he likes on females, a swift Doc Marten to the balls and then the forehead would have been best. Feel free to give him an extra shove because he used the word ‘female’ like they’re all one species adapted for his pleasure.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21): The greatest thing about technology is its ability to connect us with people and then promptly erase them. Take full and extended delight in blocking that emotionally abusive ex. Three months from now you’ll still loudly cackle to yourself at the sheer bliss of that moment.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21): Just because you’re approaching thirty doesn’t mean you have to settle for a man who tries to convince you that his rather modest penis is a seven inch beast; nor do you have to settle for a woman who doesn’t like jazz. Don’t start adding people who refuse to garble more than ‘it feels so good’ when describing sex to your list of possibilities. Remember, the future isn’t grim unless you choose to make it so!

 

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Rachael Nielsen was born in Melbourne but has given up claiming it as the reason she is genetically predisposed to being cool, and now claims Canberra as her home. She has a Bachelor of Writing from the University of Canberra and is now Assistant Editor at Grapple Publishing. Rachael is also penning nasty little predictions for Verity La as part of her work writing The Stars. She often writes about feminist issues and art but also loves writing short stories. Her work has been published by Curio, Woroni, Lip and Feminartsy. You can follow her ramblings about being an emerging writer on Twitter @rachaelandjane and on her blog, https://rachaelnielsen.wordpress.com/.

 

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