100 holes in my bucket (PS Cottier)

Posted on May 3, 2014 by in Heightened Talk

Knitters togetherI will never:

1. Bungee, shouting yolo

2. Use the acronym yolo, except in this poem

3. Scuba at sea (it feels like choking even in the swimming pool)

4. Have a dress made in Paris

5. Be thin enough to have a dress made in Paris

6. Be rich enough to have…well you know by now

7. Crunch ortolan with teeth of prey

8. Tango in Buenos Aeries wearing orange tango shoes

9. Tango

10. Waltz like that sweeping scene in War and Peace that prefigured the last glorious flyover (in the film)

11. Forget that I visited Tolstoy’s estate and donned slippers fluffy as guinea pigs to shine the wooden floors

12. Waltz like Cinderella dropping a shoe like a solitary glassy dandruff

13. Open for Australia in cricket

14. Play for Australia in any sport whatsoever (though croquet is not yet kicked into touch)

15. (Censored)

16. Fly in a fighter plane

17. Set foot on the moon

18. Set anything on Mars

19. Escape the surly bonds of earth, or the merry ones, for that matter

10. Skydive screaming yolo (see bungee above)

11. Appear on the cover of any magazine, with the possible exception of Poets ‘R Us

12. Have another child

13. Be a defender put on Buddy Franklin

14. Be an attacker trying to evade Cyril Rioli

15. Play AFL at all

16. (Censored)

17. Climb a mountain higher than Mount Kosciusko (Mount in Australia means hill elsewhere)

18. Own a gun

19. Shoot a gun

20. Hold a gun

21. Wear sunglasses like Tom Cruise in Top Gun

22. Jump (I can’t let both feet leave the ground at once which arguably ties in with my inability to mark Buddy Franklin)

23. Start a blog comment or a post with ‘Speaking as a Mum’

24. Play a musical instrument competently

25. Enjoy a ten-volume fantasy series

26. Write a ten-volume fantasy series

27. Reread À la recherche du temps perdus (I perdued enough temps doing it once)

28. Mistake Jonathon Franzen for Tolstoy

29. Mistake Richard Dawkins for Reason

30. Confuse faith with certainty

31. Eat dog

32. Eat cat

33. Eat durian (brain set in Anglo too early)

34. Forget what it is to be depressed

35. Suicide (that is a prayer)

36. Give up alcohol

37. Understand fatalism like a Russian

38. Write a poem about feelings which includes the word ‘weep’

39. Attach a sticker to my car that says ‘I grew here. You flew here’

40. Whinge about school fees (although you should see the last bill)

41. Forget what it is to miscarry.

42. Forget what it is not to miscarry.

43. Write a book called Carrie (I think it’s been done)

44. Judge a book by its genre

45. Sell the film-rights to anything I write

46. (Censored)

47. Forget how luck has lifted me like a player to a mark (compare and contrast with 22)

48. Remember my anniversary easily

49. Regret the final time I menstruate

50. Forgive those who (censored)

51. Write a really long poem (longer than this one)

52. Lift as much as the young men in the gym, even those with execrable form

53. Become obese again (also a prayer)

54. Drive a fast lap at Mount Panorama in Holden or Ford (or even Peugeot)

55. Think that owning a European car is a sign of sophistication

56. Give up wanting a Citroën DS

57. Engage in lively debate about computer software

58. Lose my interest in sex

59. (Censored) (Sorry that was predictable as the shearing of narrative sheep)

60. Vote National

61. Start a sentence with ‘I’m not a racist, but…’

62. Ignore cruelty

63. Be brave

64. See a cockatoo without smiling like a crest

65. Surf

66. Learn to listen without nodding or frowning or making little noises (I can be annoying)

67. Remember names

68. Speak fluent French

69. Read À la Recherche du temps perdus in French (It keeps rearing up though and recapturing me)

70. Read Tolstoy in Russian

71. Forget the liberation of escaping school and starting university

72. Use the word ‘undergraduate’ as an insult

73. Listen to music as avidly as when I huddled under my blankets with a transistor

74. Tell young people that they don’t know how lucky they are

75. Direct a film

76. Star in a film

77. Watch an entire Academy Awards ceremony

78. Try cocaine

79. Recite Monty Python at parties

80. Memorise all the characters in Game of Thrones (for they have names)

81. Throw myself into any social situation without a little bit of me sitting on my shoulder, half parrot and half albatross, warning and criticising

82. Write a perfect sonnet (limerick is quite likely)

83. Become a mindless gatekeeper at the Estate of Poesie (aka Downtown Abbey)

84. Write a poem without a single hint of pun

85. Cook a really good meal

86. Sell as many copies of a book as the worst-selling cookbook in the land, the land being Kyrgyzstan

87. Visit Kyrgyzstan, though I have been to Uzbekistan (boasty boasty cheese on toasty)

88. Eat bacon

88. Have maple syrup on that bacon

89. Write a cookbook called Pigging Out or Snout and Proud

90. Become a knitter

91. Wear a homemade beanie on the front of my bacon cookbook

92. Forget the taste of sausages unpolluted by tofu

93. Finish this poem before lunch

94. Include the word ‘weep’ in this poem

95. Include a recipe in this poem, except in as much as it is a recipe

96. Pass this recipe on as an heirloom

97. Worry too much about my appropriateness or market or sales

98. Lose my love of words (another prayer)

99. (Censored)

100. End this poem with a wise saw or a blunt one

So, to sum up:

Yolo. Yolo. Yolo.