Dear Dolly (David Finnigan)

Posted on September 10, 2011 by in Lies To Live By

Q. Dear Dolly, I am a fifteen-year-old. I have lots of guy friends but I have never had a boyfriend or been kissed. Do the pubes ever stop growing?

A. Dear Fifteen, no the pubes never stop growing. When the incorruptible body of St Augustine was found, more than a thousand years after his death, his pubic hairs had grown through the lid of his coffin, up through the earth and out into the sunshine. Peter of Brussels, in his 1605 Treatise, describes the discovery:

“The villagers of Antwerp were sore distressed by a gruesome Thicket, which somefuch had naught but tangled black vines and a grim prospect. Most perplexing was the ravishing of some young Maidens, who had stumbled into the tangled vines and been put to a regrettable Disadvantage, also to their Fathers and Brothers who bemoaned their loss of Purity. When the villagers took unto the woods with an Axe, they were shocked to hear a Moaning, as if of a living beast. Upon the advice of that most wise Priest [Peter’s mentor Cuthbert of Toulouse], the villagers uprooted the vines and located the source of the Thicket, which to their amazement took root in the Genitalia of a corpse. That Incomparable Father of Knowledge [Cuthbert again] swiftly identified him as Saint Augustine, whom we thought rather to have been dwelling in the City of God these last thirteen centuries.”

18 play ideas from 2002
(David Finnigan)

Posted on August 31, 2011 by in Lies To Live By

1.

the protagonist wakes up in the middle of the night and sees that the moon is too bright

– that means the sun’s too bright

– that means the sun’s gone nova

– that means the other side of the earth’s been vaporised

– that means we’re dead come morning

he/she heads out on the town for one last party

2.

it is a play about a magical cigarette that gives whoever holds it unbelievable skills at dentistry. it is therefore a quandary, because to have the cigarette in one hand is bad for business, and sooner or later the board of medeceins will want to know why you insist on holding an unlit cigarette between two fingers while you’re performing dental surgery

3.

there is the black plague going on

4.

there is a school full of ghosts

5.

there is a parliament full of politicians preparing to commit seppuku

6.

a play about assassin rock – a rock jutting out of the surf on a windy beach – if you petition it in the right way, one of your enemies will die

7.

J-pop musical. a routine underwater expedition finds hulking machinery at the bottom of the ocean. the machines suddenly come to life as huge robots, divided into two warring camps. the robots DANCE and SING merry Japanese pop

8.

on-stage surgery – trepanning?

9.

on stage trundles a canoe on wheels, paddled by two likely sorts. it is a play set in the final tailspin of a dying whirlpool

10.

a magician performing at primary school assembly – showing them a trick called Russian Roulette

11.

woman on the run from the government

she has four stolen crowns in the boot of her car

she must deliver them to her contacts

the only people who can fence a theft of this magnitude

before she can reach the sea, take off her shoes, and walk in the sand

12.

dear audience. the game is Spot The Swap. what will follow is a 60-second scene involving five people. can you spot the moment when one person slips a baggie into someone else’s hand? (to be played on a dancefloor, in a market, on a boat in rough seas throwing passengers side to side)

13.

it is a play which takes place in a crowded room

there are a number of creatures of different species

they are chattering and sharing stories

they are aware or unaware that it is a pot over a flame

and they are slowly boiling into soup

14.

Front of House staff wear namebadges saying I WOULD EAT DIRT FOR YOU

15.

when you wake in the morning there’s a man standing there with a mission: before sunset you must kill an ostrich.

16.

we shall follow four assassins on their routes to murdering their victims: poisoning the king’s cup, a sniper at a water polo game… two others

17.

there are worlds in which you don’t go left or right for more than the width of a street. nor do you go backwards. bandidos leap out of dustbins and challenge you. defeat them all

18.

play set in summer. the Code of Hammurabi has been broken. it is a detective mystery

Potential band names
(Finnigan and Brother)

Posted on July 20, 2011 by in Lies To Live By

Okay so it’s time you started a band. I know, you’ve put it off for ages, but it’s halfway through 2011 and you promised your grandma. But, what will you call yourselves? IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Chris and David Finnigan, aka FINNIGAN AND BROTHER, can’t teach you how to play music or tell you what kind of music to play, but we can suggest some dope band names to get you started.

The Latte Belt
Name your band after the socially progressive urban left-leaning demographic!

The Black Handed Spider Monkeys
One of the largest New World monkeys, weighing as much as 9 kilograms.

The Stingray Whisperer
Suggesting your band possesses the supernatural ability to summon stingrays by softly singing across the surface of the waves.

Hate Boat
Defending Israel’s lethal June 2010 commando raid on a flotilla of activists challenging Israel’s naval blockade of Gaza, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu explained that ‘This wasn’t a Love Boat; this was a Hate Boat’.

Tree Head
Our three-year-old niece’s ideas for a name for her unborn cousin were Polly and Tree Head.

The Women’s Death Battalion
In between the 1917 Socialist Revolution and the takeover by the Bolsheviks in 1918, Kerensky’s provisional government scrambled to assemble female fighting units to carry on the war in Europe. The 1st Russian Women’s Battalion of Death, led by Maria Bochkareva, were blisteringly hardcore.

Find Tougher People
Upon seizing power in 1918, the Bolsheviks began a campaign of political repression known as the Red Terror. From a telegram sent by Lenin: “Comrades! The kulak uprising in your five districts must be crushed without pity … You must make example of these people. (1) Hang (I mean hang publicly, so that people see it) at least 100 kulaks, rich bastards, and known bloodsuckers. (2) Publish their names. (3) Seize all their grain. (4) Single out the hostages per my instructions in yesterday’s telegram. Do all this so that for miles around people see it all, understand it, tremble, and tell themselves that we are killing the bloodthirsty kulaks and that we will continue to do so … Yours, Lenin. P.S. Find tougher people.”

Colonel Crackcrown
At the 1761 Southwark Fair, Samuel Foote’s booth offered a whimsical duel between ‘Major Blinco’ and ‘Colonel Crackcrown’.

FULL NATURAL BUSH
‘I prefer a full natural bush – on myself and on other women. I am not into hirsutism per se but to me pubic hair feels more feminine and sexy.’ Quoting legendary sex-positive feminist Betty Dodson is always a good idea.

Jerusalem Squabble Fever
A group of mental phenomena involving the presence of either religiously themed obsessive ideas, delusions or other psychosis-like experiences that are triggered by a visit to the city of Jerusalem.

Fangtooth
Deep-sea dweller with the largest teeth of any fish in the ocean, proportionate to body size. Fangtooths have evolved a pair of opposing sockets on either side of the brain to accommodate the teeth when the mouth is closed.

Verbivore
An animal that eats verbs, natch.

Child G-String
Hyper-sexualisation of children’s fashion vs sensational moral panic stirred by media pundits – another day in the news, really.

Old World Vulture / European Griffons
Carrion birds used in Tibetan Sky Burials.

Remember, everything in the world is on your side, and all you need is the name to gather your forces under. People cry out with delight when they see you on the street, Charles Dickens predicted your coming with nail-biting excitement, and even Finnigan and Brother love what you do. Pick a name and make the planet your own.