Okay so it’s time you started a band. I know, you’ve put it off for ages, but it’s halfway through 2011 and you promised your grandma. But, what will you call yourselves? IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Chris and David Finnigan, aka FINNIGAN AND BROTHER, can’t teach you how to play music or tell you what kind of music to play, but we can suggest some dope band names to get you started.
The Latte Belt
Name your band after the socially progressive urban left-leaning demographic!
The Black Handed Spider Monkeys
One of the largest New World monkeys, weighing as much as 9 kilograms.
The Stingray Whisperer
Suggesting your band possesses the supernatural ability to summon stingrays by softly singing across the surface of the waves.
Hate Boat
Defending Israel’s lethal June 2010 commando raid on a flotilla of activists challenging Israel’s naval blockade of Gaza, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu explained that ‘This wasn’t a Love Boat; this was a Hate Boat’.
Tree Head
Our three-year-old niece’s ideas for a name for her unborn cousin were Polly and Tree Head.
The Women’s Death Battalion
In between the 1917 Socialist Revolution and the takeover by the Bolsheviks in 1918, Kerensky’s provisional government scrambled to assemble female fighting units to carry on the war in Europe. The 1st Russian Women’s Battalion of Death, led by Maria Bochkareva, were blisteringly hardcore.
Find Tougher People
Upon seizing power in 1918, the Bolsheviks began a campaign of political repression known as the Red Terror. From a telegram sent by Lenin: “Comrades! The kulak uprising in your five districts must be crushed without pity … You must make example of these people. (1) Hang (I mean hang publicly, so that people see it) at least 100 kulaks, rich bastards, and known bloodsuckers. (2) Publish their names. (3) Seize all their grain. (4) Single out the hostages per my instructions in yesterday’s telegram. Do all this so that for miles around people see it all, understand it, tremble, and tell themselves that we are killing the bloodthirsty kulaks and that we will continue to do so … Yours, Lenin. P.S. Find tougher people.”
Colonel Crackcrown
At the 1761 Southwark Fair, Samuel Foote’s booth offered a whimsical duel between ‘Major Blinco’ and ‘Colonel Crackcrown’.
FULL NATURAL BUSH
‘I prefer a full natural bush – on myself and on other women. I am not into hirsutism per se but to me pubic hair feels more feminine and sexy.’ Quoting legendary sex-positive feminist Betty Dodson is always a good idea.
Jerusalem Squabble Fever
A group of mental phenomena involving the presence of either religiously themed obsessive ideas, delusions or other psychosis-like experiences that are triggered by a visit to the city of Jerusalem.
Fangtooth
Deep-sea dweller with the largest teeth of any fish in the ocean, proportionate to body size. Fangtooths have evolved a pair of opposing sockets on either side of the brain to accommodate the teeth when the mouth is closed.
Verbivore
An animal that eats verbs, natch.
Child G-String
Hyper-sexualisation of children’s fashion vs sensational moral panic stirred by media pundits – another day in the news, really.
Old World Vulture / European Griffons
Carrion birds used in Tibetan Sky Burials.
Remember, everything in the world is on your side, and all you need is the name to gather your forces under. People cry out with delight when they see you on the street, Charles Dickens predicted your coming with nail-biting excitement, and even Finnigan and Brother love what you do. Pick a name and make the planet your own.