CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19): You’ve turned having a lot of dreams but no outcomes into an art. But of course you’ve made no art. You approach everything like the Lemon Detox. Pick up some acrylic paint, point it at something blank, and stick with the brushing motion. Keep doing it and you might find you become what you said you would be.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18): This one time I won’t sneer at you reading pop culture romance novels. Your absorption is warranted. With the not impressive tally of two women in the Ministry, regular, nuclear strength distractions are needed.
PISCES (Feb 19 – March 20): You hard-working fish, quit your posh retail job. You’re buying far too many elegantly tailored black and cream suits, and finding them mildly pleasing. You don’t realise how you’ve betrayed your Byron Bay soul. Before you totally convert and live in Gungahlin, quit and take up animal rescue.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Going on Centrelink wouldn’t be a bad idea. If you can get on it you’ll be making all the Lovecraft clay ghouls you can! Before then, I suggest relying on nutritional yeast and your salt lamp to keep you alive for the next six months.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Learn to play the ukulele. It’s a handy skill to pass on to your children so they have something to do just before they suffocate on a barren planet with white males as the ministers for every minority possible.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): You’ve become tremendously insightful of late. That would usually be a compliment, but I overheard you saying, ‘People endure their nine-to-five nightmare and then come down to Darling Harbour to distract themselves from the hell in their lives.’ Your friends were right to be shocked. Do try to enjoy yourself as well as have astute observations, darling.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22): If this wasn’t the year you sent your pale, alienated crust of a bourgeois family a bay leaf each and a Wiccan curse for Christmas, then you deserve the horror of de-shelling prawns, you conformist bastard.
LEO (July 23 – Aug 22): If you catch your father going through the recycling and separating out the cans, stay optimistic and assume he’s fossicking for resources for an art project—not that he’s swapping cans for money so he can muster the change for the GP co-payment.
VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sept 22): Feminist vigilantes will surely kill Abbot while he sleeps soon. Come off the ledge and read Ghost World instead, you poor husk.
LIBRA (Sept 23 – Oct 22): I told you not to have New Year’s on a ferry bound for Tasmania. I know the craggy beaches called to you, but not even solar flares could keep back that many crypto-fascist baby boomers bound for their plebeian holiday homes. I tried. I’m sorry.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21): It’s not cute anymore. Well to be precise, you have max two years before your lack of responsibility for your bills is no longer seen as dotty and adorable. Your Dr Martens and bad posture are fine, but your childish money choices are slowly ruining it for the rest of us!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21): If taking your washing back to Canberra so you can spend your detergent money on Diet Coke means people are prone to saying ‘You dress like you have problems’, then so be it! Fold it into your allure.
Please note: Verity La claims no responsibility for the veracity of these predictions—except perhaps yours, Taurus: clearly that will happen to us all.
Rachael Nielsen has a Bachelor of Writing from the University of Canberra and has studied literature at Oxford University. She’s currently in her first year of a Masters in Writing and Publishing at RMIT. She is Assistant Editor for Grapple Publishing, as well as penning nasty little predictions for Verity La as part of her work writing The Stars. When she isn’t pouring her latent bile into The Stars she is writing about feminist isues and is fixated on flash fiction and poetry. Her work has been published by Curio, Woroni, Lip, the ACT Writers Centre, the ANU Women’s Department and Feminartsy. You can follow her ramblings about being an emerging writer and editor on Twitter @rachaelandjane.