Braided Veins
as we grow up as twins youd speculate this or that bully would probably grow to be bald & fat i would laugh at the notion saying it was not possible after all them boys were so muscular but you would be so wise beyond years youd tell me that im gay before i knew you would say not to worry about what others think when it comes to the man i end up loving they arent sleeping with him you are so whys it a problem you would tell me later that youre gay too we would find it odd how similar our tastes in men are our husbands would feel lonely & commiserate together now & then when they watch us jabber away in our alone time we would constantly reassure them that we still love them very much but we are twins & twins have their own thing deeper than blood deeper than family deeper than love we two mirror each other in ways no one else can we understand each other in ways everyone longs to be we would know each others innermost secrets we would always be thinking of each other no matter how far apart we are we wouldnt think of each other by name just a presence lingering in our braided veins we would know just when to text each other & when not to we would know how to reassure our men when they are just like everyone else envious of our bond we wouldnt dress the same thats so childish we would have our own individual lives we would tire of strangers quizzing if it was true that we could read each others mind we would trade glances & laugh yeah right but secretly there have been times we felt we could wed never tell anyone about those times not even our own husbands we would show up at our family reunions our siblings now fat & old would talk to you more than to me hed tell them hey talk to him hes my twin you know my eyes would shoot daggers at their faces didnt they get that fucking memo how family was supposed to love each other unconditionally no matter what just like how you & i love each other like brothers like best friends better than soulmates youd roll your eyes each time they tried to make a joke by then youd have learned some asl you wouldnt be that great with your signing but i would feel guilty in asking you to interpret for me what they were all saying not being fluent enough youd simply summarize no more ill tell you laters & forgetting after too many reunions where i was ignored youd tell everyone that you & i werent coming back ever because i dont deserve being ignored hes deaf so you guys fucking deal with it you would storm out & id join you in your car while our husbands sit in the backseat id watch you drive with rage whitening your knuckles id tell you that you didnt have to say that youd say i dont care the way they treat you like that still our own family fuck later id join my husband in the backseat his hand finds mine i feel like a lost family all over again your husband is always careful to slow down for me hes not easy to lipread but i can tell hes so good for you its so easy to forgive him as long as he tries to make himself clear my dear husband would be deaf youd always make a point of making him laugh with your silly facial expressions he too wouldve grown up in a hearing family like i have he doesnt like them he hadnt understood growing up how hearing families can be toxic sometimes you have to quit them cold turkey or do suicide he doesnt like my family either a true family is a group of people who totally get you they dont look down on you or ignore you they dont give you fake smiles when they see you they dont ask you how are you doing & ignore you the rest of the evening hey if you werent happy i wouldn’t be happy either we look at each other our blood pulsing in the air between us
Somewhere Deep in the Pool of My Brain
shimmers you, following me
wondering where you are
floating and hiding
in that canyon between my two halves.
You are the single glimmer
that catches my eye
no matter how pitch-black
the highway flares
dimmed in dull pain
blink and warn, warn, warn.
You are a most wonderful
accident.
Raymond Luczak is the author and editor of 22 books, including Flannelwood: A Novel (Red Hen Press), A Babble of Objects (Fomite Press), The Last Deaf Club in America (Handtype Press), and QDA: A Queer Disability Anthology (Squares & Rebels). A ten-time Pushcart Prize nominee, he lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and is online at raymondluczak.com.